dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
