I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
