Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
