Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
A bitchslap is in order.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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