Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
