Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
