My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
