i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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