he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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