So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
