God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
