Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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