you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
