the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
