Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
