New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
