12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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