Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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