I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
