It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
