I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
