ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
