I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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