what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
