I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
