She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
