Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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