He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
