I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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