He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
