At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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