I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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