I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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