I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
