There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
