Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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