I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
