Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
