Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
