I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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