I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
