i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
