Jerry, you need to find god
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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