i think my tv is drunk
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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