Having a random hookup so left but love u
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
