Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
