You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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