I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You're like the curious george of whores
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
