Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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