Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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